Back the FUCK UP. What did you say about my family?
Korean life, Teaching June 18th. 2009, 10:00pmOn the whole, I tend not to bring my family or personal feelings into class. I hear all sorts of ideas from students that used to get different reactions out of me. Offending my appearance, offending my sense of decency, offending my sense of dignity…students used to be able to push my buttons and get me derailed. I keep things professional and keep a barrier between things I am willing to discuss in class, and things that are off limits. I’m usually pretty good at letting students know they’ve crossed a line and need to back off whatever topic they are pushing too far.
Today, in my highest level class we were talking about “keepsakes”. I told the students that I had a keepsake from my mother. When I graduated high school, my mother bought me a wallet. I think it was probably the first wallet I ownned that lacked velcro and was made from actual leather. Either that, or I ended up with a wallet sometime in high school, and mother mother gave me a gift for that wallet. Anyway, I have some inspirational cards that she gave me for my graduation. These have different people expressing their opinion on how to be successful. I’ve kept them in my wallet, and every wallet since then. I’ve been carrying them since high school. I was getting these little cards out to show the students this keepsake.
The students in class asked me if a picture could be a keepsake. I told them that if the picture was important to them they could absolutely be keepsakes. The students were really trying to be subtle about seeing the family photo in my wallet. I have a picture of my mother, father, brother and my wife which was taken after our wedding. I’ve got this laminated picture in my wallet, and a bigger copy is also on the wall of our house.
I would have shown them the family picture, but then one of the students in the class launched a racist personal attack on me, my wife, and my family. She asked me, “Does your family allow you to marry a Korean person?”
“It wasn’t about being allowed to do something. This is something I wanted to do. My parents wouldn’t have told me I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to do it. Why would my parents say anything like that? We live on different continents. We live very different lives. I respect them and they respect me. There is no issue about who someone wants to marry in my culture most of the time.”
“Who would let their family get married to a foreigner? The only time that is okay is if you are very old, or very ugly, and you are unable to get married to anyone from your own country. Then MAYBE if you married someone else like that it MIGHT be okay if your parents said you could.”
I’ve had students say incredible things in class before, but HOLY SHIT. What the FUCK did this student just say to me?
“Where did you get the idea that people can’t get married to who they want? Why would your parents tell you who you can and can’t get married to? Why would you say that I wouldn’t be allowed to marry anyone I wanted? How is my wife being Korean any importance to you? The only reason a Korean person should marry a foreigner is because they ‘aren’t good enough’ to marry anyone else?”
“Well, I was watching a drama, and that is the issue. The woman wants to get married to a foreigner, but she can’t because her mother won’t allow it. I think you do not listen to your parents. You get married to who you want, not who they want. You also live far away from them. I think it is because you do not love them, and you got married to someone without their permission.”
I’ve taught this student a total of three times, and I’ve never brought up a single thing about my family before today, and this student is launching a mean spirited attack. I didn’t say an ill word to her, or give her a single provocation for this entire incident. This was a complete blindside attack, and I can not believe I was having to defend myself from an person attacking my family in such a direct, overt manner in my own class.
I did my best to keep my composure, but I wasn’t entirely successful.
“My life isn’t a drama. You have absolutely NO right to talk about me, my family, my wife, or anything like that. You don’t know me. You don’t know my family. You don’t know anything about my life, or my choices. How DARE you judge what I’ve chosen for my life, or who I’ve married? How could you EVER say something like that to a person you don’t even know? Why would you say something so mean?”
The girl didn’t laugh or anything. I think she was just repeating something she had seen and heard without thinking about how it might impact someone’s feelings in that situation. Like how some people spew a talking point they don’t understand because they don’t know the actual facts. I know I’ve done that by accident before too, so I gave her a chance to back away from her statements. She didn’t apologize, but she didn’t continue her line of questioning.
The girl saw that she had obviously crossed over a line. The other students in class expected me to lose my composure and were eyeing the door to see if they could avoid the scene. I decided that there was no way I could handle it without further inflaming the class.
After the class was over and the students left for the bathroom, the girl that had offended me was sitting in her chair by herself. I had a peace offering for her. “Do you want to see my family photo?”
I showed her the picture of my family. My mother and father are wearing traditional Korean hanboks for the photo. “See, my family came to Korea for my wedding. They accept my wife as part of their family. They like wearing hanboks to show they are friendly to Korean culture and want to help my wife adapt to being in an American family. My life isn’t like you think it might be. Next time you shouldn’t try to think every family is like one you’ve seen in a drama.”
I also explained the episode to the Korean homeroom teacher. The Korean teacher said she’s going to hold the student back after the lesson to deal with the issue. I told the Korean teacher I was actually really upset by what the girl had said and the manner in which she had spoken to me. It wasn’t appropriate at all and I didn’t want it to be repeated.
Tough day.
9 Responses to “Back the FUCK UP. What did you say about my family?”
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June 18th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
While I agree that what she said is indeed offensive, I am not at all surprised. From what I gather from my students and Korean friends, most Koreans *do* have to ask their parents permission to marry, and most families would indeed be at least somewhat upset if their child chose to marry a foreigner. A female friend of mine is married to a Korean man and when he announced to his family that he was going to marry her, his father refused to speak to him for two years. So, again, while she was way out of bounds in saying what she did, it seems to me that she was just speaking off of what she knows herself.
June 19th, 2009 at 12:37 am
Fuck.
June 19th, 2009 at 2:16 am
I’m so sorry that child said that to you… I think one of the most difficult things to deal with as a teacher is the huge gap in sensibilities of the polite and courteous nature between our own matured age group and that of students who, for all their intelligence, are subject to the lack of common sense that comes with age and exposure to society and the world. =\ And perhaps I shouldn’t pride myself on the Americans’ ability to accept foreigners and respect the decisions of their family members since there are those who are more close-minded, but… I do feel it’s a cultural difference that bodes well in our favor.
I hope this sort of incident doesn’t happen again, and I’m glad to hear the Korean teacher intended to speak to the student privately as I feel it goes to show that not all Koreans think that way, just as not all Americans are racist. :)
June 19th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I know several people that asked their Korean parents to marry other Koreans and were denied permission. Usually the parents were worried the suitor didn’t make enough money, or were the wrong religion, etc. In almost every case the parents eventually relent, and all that is lost is years of time from a potentially happy marriage.
Perhaps this girl either knows a relative that got married/burned by a mail-order bride, or her only frame of reference is a drama or some other kind of program that highlights “WHEN FOREIGNERS ATTACK!” sort of situations. Either way, inappropriate.
June 19th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
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June 19th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
As bad as her comments were, they are merely the result of an society ignorantly teaching people other than Koreans as outsiders to be excluded from all things Korean. God forbid, but if a child were taught that all black people were created by the devil and that their touch would cause you sickness and great pain, how would that same child react in a classroom with a black teacher – even a well-meaning one?
Then again, it could be Tourette’s. Seriously, though, it sounded like you handled things pretty well – and that student should get a friendly call from one (or more) of the Korean teachers. Half the reason you’re there is to teach culture (not just a language).
By the way, I’d love to be added to your blogroll. Pretty please and juseyo? chrisinsouthkorea.blogspot.com :)
June 19th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Brainwashing sucks. I bet she was taught that the South invaded the North under the direct orders of the U.S. of A.
As for the Korean teacher having a word with her, I hope that it is truly genuine as opposed to the youngster in question being forcefully told to bite her tongue because of the fear the institute might lose you and affect the bottom line. At my hagwon, my Korean co-workers are quick to help me iron out any misunderstandings with the students as they don’t want me to even be tempted to leave. Most of our teachers are older and homely looking, myself included, which isn’t the norm for most eye candy hiring hagwons. We work for a great pair of owners/teachers, and my co-workers know that even finding something resembling the conditions in which we work in the future is pretty much nil.
June 19th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Different student, but I did have a boy tell me that North and South Korea should reunite solely on the basis that it would mean greater success during the World Cup.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
[...] I tossed him out of class, or yelled. This is not something that would have made me yell in class. For example, this is the last time I lost my temper in class. This wasn’t [...]