A woman I met briefly with my extended Korean family on Lunar New Year last year passed away. She was an elderly woman that was on the verge of death for a very long time. She finally passed away this week, and we were expected to visit her funeral service.
I have not been to a Korean funeral service before. My wife had shown me pictures of her grandfather’s huge funeral procession in their home village. Their grandfather was buried in a grave site on a small hill, and everyone in the village had turned out. This funeral was taking place in a mourning room in a large hospital. The burial would be done later in the country on a mountain.
We had a limited time to spend at the funeral rites because I had an early afternoon class that started today. We arrived at the large university hospital. There was a building for funerals. There were seven rooms for mourners. You would walk by other funerals in process and hear wailing as you passed. There were also reception areas staffed with a few people to serve drinks and snacks. Before the ceremony, people were sitting around snacking. You could also rent a new black suit for the occasion right there as you waited! That’s amazing!
When we arrived there were people preparing the body for burial somewhere out of view of the service at another location when we arrived. My wife told me they used to put three spoonfuls of uncooked rice in the mount of the deceased. This custom might have changed. They wrap the body with hemp clothing. The rice in the mouth, as well as some money is placed with the body for their “long journey over the river to heaven or hell”. The money also acts as a tip to the people that prepared the body. (My wife was uncertain on some of the details. The customs might also vary greatly. We’re not sure.)
Since the family bought a plot on a mountain, they will bury her tomorrow in a special ceremony I won’t be attending. This isn’t the norm. Cremation is more common simply because of space issues.
We went to what would be called the “wake” in American terms. The body isn’t present at Korean wakes. There is a picture of the deceased, surrounded by flowers. On a table in front of the picture are several specific dishes of food. They all have to be placed on the table in a manner relative to each other with certain symbolic significance. It’s a Confucian thing.
My wife’s relative participating in the ceremony all put on hemp hanboks. The men wore light brown hanboks with hats, while the woman wore bright white hanboks, with white hairpins. The son of the woman didn’t actually know how to perform the funeral rites.
The second oldest uncle in law helped him poor the rice wine, told him when to bow, and what to do. I have no idea how he knows all of that procedure. The uncle even stuck the spoon and chopsticks straight up into the rice. I was told never to do that when I ate rice in Korea. It is only done in the presence of a spirit at funerals. I saw the reason why today.
After they poured the alcohol and prepared the food, the people in the hemp hanboks bowed. The number of bows depending on the closeness of how they were related. Some people bowed more than others. We followed, kneeling politely in the back of the room. I was only obligated to bow my head in the direction of family members and the picture. After we had “bowed”, they said that the spirit had then departed. It was safe to leave the service. My uncles went to the reception area and began eating.
There was a black book and table at the entrance of the room. We gave the mourning family an envelope of cash. Just like weddings, you are expected to bring money to give to the family. I like this idea a great deal. I know businesses donate flowers for the service as well, as there was a huge bouquet outside of the room with the business name displayed prominently on the banner offering condolences.
After that, my aunts and mother in law all packed into the car to drive me to the subway. There was no reason everyone needed to go to see me off, but I’m guessing they didn’t want to be in the funeral the whole day. Any excuse to leave, even briefly, was worth it. We were only at the ceremony for an hour total. After they dropped my wife and I off at the subway, they returned to the ceremony. They’d be spending the majority of the day there most likely, and possibly all of their time until the burial. Some people might spend the night in an adjacent room too.
For families with surviving blood relatives, it’s expected that on days of memorial, like the day of death the following year, or on certain lunar holidays, you should do “chae-sa“. This is similar to the funeral rites I witnessed today. This is when Koreans pray to their relatives spirits, who then enter and “eat” the food presented to them in offering.
I’ve seen my wife’s family do chae-sa on Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving Holiday) for their grandfather. They spoke prayers, bowed, and offered alcohol to the spirit as well. The customs are similar, but chae-sa is performed in a person’s home. Our family also didn’t wear special clothes for the ceremony either.
My wife and I talked about the differences between the Korean and American versions of funerals. She was shocked that any of the family members would want to see the body at any time of the proceedings. I tried to explain how a wake was supposed to provide closure and a sense that the person had “found peace” by looking at them in the coffin. It was also a chance for people to say their goodbyes and console the family. The bowing and wailing provide the same comfort to Korean funeral mourners.
I don’t know where our funeral practices came from as Westerners. I’m not going to judge Koreans system either. It was simply a new experience very different than what I was used to, and I’m happy I managed to get through a serious family ceremony without offending anyone unintentionally.
