::A Geek in Korea::

Our checkout for the Prague hostel was a ridiculous 9 am. What are you supposed to do after hitting all the big stuff in Prague but to move on? We left a LOT earlier than we had planned, simply because we couldn’t be bothered to go to the train station to stow our bags and wait all day for the sleeper train. We decided while we were there to just move on to Vienna anyway.

We went to a place recommended in a Korean travel book. They knew EXACTLY what we wanted to do. The ride to the border was on our cash, but we started the Eurorail pass at the border to Austria. That way we didn’t have to withdraw any more Czech cash. Ticket and Reservation in hand, we made our way to the departure train station a few subway stops away. We spent the money we had left on a lunch we’d take with us on the train, then converted the rest. We only ended up with about 50 cents US of wasted change. Not too shabby actually.

On the train, we tried to sort out a plan. Two nights in Vienna, three days. We were looking at paying for a hotel or hostel somewhere in town, paying an outrageous fee, then settling in for a stroll around town broke. Tomorrow is Sunday, and the banks are closed. We needed to get money to make a reservation for our NEXT stop on a sleeper for Monday night. We went and got the thing arranged and then headed over to a noodle shop with a big sign saying “Busan” in Korean.

There was a Korean lady minding the store, and three young Korean ladies spread out over a map trying to find directions. Where to go? What was cheap? What does she recommend? Two of the ladies were traveling together and looked fresh out of college, and the other was a little older, around my wife’s age. We started looking for a “Minbak“. In Korean, Minbak is basically a “room for rent”. Dirt cheap Korean accomidation in Austria? Rock on! We even got some ramyeon noodles at the store for a snack. My wife has been craving them since Prague, and she doesn’t even like ramyeon. She said she’s just tired of bread and sandwiches. I’ll be there in about a week, possibly sooner.

My wife and I, along with the woman who turned out to be my wife’s age, shared a few other things in common with us. She had ALSO arrived in London from a horrible Cathay Pacific flight. She had ALSO met family in London. She had ALSO flown Easyjet (although from another airport) to Prague. She ALSO was harrassed by the ticket agents at Easyjet about a visa for Koreans, as well as having a hard time at immigration. She saw the same stuff, and was planning on going to Venice in a few days too! Doppleganger tour! Freaky.

We all went to find a subway that would lead us to a tram, that would then lead us to a Hello Kitty store. We’d be staying in their basement. The noodle shop lady had called ahead, and we had made arrangements to hold the rooms. They were slightly worried that a foreigner wouldn’t like the accomidations. We used that to our advantage later. We set off. The lady at the noodle shop made it sound like we’d be walking a minute to the subway. It was a little farther than expected, so the ladies sent me off as a scout. I found the place and went back to get them to the station. After seeking help from a helpful Kebab man, we took the subway to the tram location. Then, with no problems whatsoever, I got them to Kitty World.

The woman we went to the minbak with decided to stay in a dormitory style room, while we got a suite. My wife, the ruthless haggler took over. While I was MORE than fine with the accomidation for the price and kick ass location, she had me wait in the bedroom. She went out to the owner and said that since the price was more expensive that a dormitory, and that since it was off season, we’d probably go there instead. She got her to cut the price of our stay by an amazing 10 Euro.

The ladies and I then went to the Saturday Outdoor Crapfest Antique Market. We arrived as it was closing, but even if it was still going on, the stuff that remained was literally just garbage piled on the street. We walked through basically paranoid about pickpockets. We then found the excellent fruit, vegetable, and meat market next door. We sat down for a kebab plater as big as a lamb. We got served a bellyache worthy amount of meat. We paid twice what we paid for our biggest meal in Prague, and this was basically only a step up from street food. It’s not a cheap town, and tomorrow the supermarkets are closed. WTF? No one shops for food on Sunday?Anyway, now completely stuffed, we’ve settled down for the evening. Internet service is still free. Yay!

It’s weird to be allowed into this sort of secret world of support between Korean people in other countries. Koreans travel together. They are masters of the bus tour, following the guides, and being tight knit travelers. Now, through my wife, I’m included in the festivities. We’re traveling around the town with this woman, and because of Korean usage of titles between strangers, we don’t even know her name. I’m supposed to call her “Older Sister” if I address her directly. She can’t speak English. I can still follow conversations and everything else I usually do. It’s just weird to make travel plans and be escorted into a secret sort of basement of luxury with people that share only a language in common. The people of the minbak are letting us use their kitchen, computer, the works. It’s great.

Since the last update:We did indeed go to more theater shows later in the evening. I went with my father to SPAMalot, the Monty Python based music. It was pretty funny. My mom, who has absolutely NO comedy bone, insisted on going to Grease with my wife. We dropped the ladies off for their show, and as we walked through the West End, my dad proclaimed, “Two men walking around in this neighborhood? We’ll have women hanging off each arm in no time.” We ended up seeing a show in Soho. The only people hanging off each other were the men making out on the street. Oh well.

After the show, we went to pick them up at their theater to walk home and talk about the show. I explained the Monty Python humor to my wife, “Do you find people getting hit in the face with a fish as funny?”

“Real fish?”

“No, but in concept.”

“No, not really.”

“It’s good you went to see Grease then.”

She didn’t like the show, because she didn’t think of High School students as people who should drive around and talk about sex. She can be such a prude at times.

After the show, we came back and slept. Most of us. My poor mom couldn’t. She was kicking my father’s bunk as he snored. We ate breakfast together, then said our goodbyes. We had to catch a tube to the airport. They were going off on their own adventure with a boat and a series of locks and bridges.

The flight from London to Prague was better in EVERY single aspect than our flight into London. Easyjet is a no-frills sort of airline, with gambling scratch offs for entertainment, in flight food has to be purchased, and there is nothing else to do but wait for the plane to land.

We got into Prague, purchased a Metro pass for 72 hours and got into the city NO incidents. The man checking for illegal passengers on the subway didn’t even stop us this time, when I actually HAD the card showing I paid, unlike my last time in Prague. Anyway, we ended up at a cheap hostel around the block from the train station. It’s big, old and VERY scary looking on the inside. It has the “featured in a slasher movie” feel to it. This is just the thing to encourage people to sleep I guess. The bathrooms aren’t segregated by sex very well, so we have to go in together as a team, lest one of us disappears to the almost CERTAIN psycho killer that is running around. It’s just the kind of place this appears to be. I’m surpised I didn’t have nightmares.

We woke up early this morning. Too early actually. Nothing was open in the city. We picked up some stuff for a later dinner, and got down to sightseeing.  We went to the famous clock again. The Charles Bridge was VERY crowded. The Prague Castle held our attention most of the day. St. Vitus’ steps are still a killer. I got to see a really famous church my brother and I had missed last time. LARGEST FRESCO EVER.I have pictures, several hundred actually. It was pretty good to be back in this city, but it loses it’s “Wow” factor this time. It’s been there, done that territory now. At least it’s REALLY cheap, and has GOOD BEER. These things STILL put it up on my list as a must visit. My wife liked a lot of the stuff we saw for free, but she agreed some of the pay attractions weren’t as packed as London was with interesting stuff to see.

We basically did all of Prague in a DAY. We didn’t do it all, but we basically knocked out everything you’d get from a tour or the highlights on Google Earth. It’s a bit scary. We’re knocking out the sites in a record. It’s because I’ve been to this city and I knew where things were in relationship to each other, distances, times, and whatnot. I’m sure the rest of the trip will be much more daunting when we actually go somewhere completely new in a different language. It all gets expensive from here on out too.

Tomorrow we are moving to Austria in the afternoon. Vienna is ANOTHER hold over from my last vacation, but I didn’t get to explore that city at all. My brother and I gave it a half hearted attempt before we had to get on different trains, and it wasn’t that open at the time we were trying to see the sites. I hope to actually explore a few places and find a cheap place to stay. This probably is impossible. I’d also settle for some clean shirts, and or socks.

I’m currently in a free PC room. When I sat down, I was chatting with two Korean ladies waiting in queue for the SLOW computers that the hostel offered. They nearly jumped out of their skin when I said,”Hello” to them in Korean. It’s easy to get trapped in a little bubble thinking no one understands what you are saying. I know my wife and I do it ALL the time when we want to talk about something we see without alerting others.

My parents bought tickets for Mamma Mia! for my wife as her birthday present. I’m not exactly an ABBA fan like my wife is, so I wasn’t gung-ho about the show, but it would the first time in a legitimate theater for me, so how could I decline? I’m all about the culture on vacation. Plus, it was their treat, and the seats were excellent.

We had problems getting to Leister Square. The subway had delays, which forced us to take three transfers to get around the problem. We ended up at the theater with a few minutes to spare. The place was packed. Really packed. Fire and we all were going to die packed. Oh well, on with the show!

I was surpised that the plot of the musical was actually very nice. It acted as a frame for all the songs, but it was pretty funny anyway. It seemed like the songs FIT the musical, and not that they were crammed into a story that didn’t need them. The actors were very funny too, and had lots of energy through the entire show. The post intermission set up for the final act was a bit of a drag, but that was because I didn’t know most of those songs.

My wife said that since she had been listening to ABBA’s greatest hits for a long time, she knew what all the songs were about and didn’t have any problem following the plot. Yay! She was enraptured by the entire experience. She left the theater positively glowing. It was really wonderful for her. Dream come true.

We got back to the hostel. We played some card and dice games. My father and I made some mixed drinks with various spirits around the room. By midnight we were all ready to sleep off the night. My wife and I slept well enough that my father’s chainsaw like snoring didn’t even wake us up once.

Our plan for catching some live sports seems to be off today. We’re currently thinking of a backup plan. British museum and SPAMalot/Lion King perhaps?

Day two! Much improved!

We sorted out our hostel situation by simply paying for one more night on a credit card to keep our things in a room before my parents arrive. They could just owe us for the night, since they promised to treat.

We went out early to get into central London. This was a bit of a timing mishap, as we were riding “to work” with the other commuters. Talk about a legacy environment! The London underground, while extensive, relatively affordable, and whatnot is hell on a day with lots of communters. We were packed in nearly Tokyo tight as we rode into the center of the city. Yeah, where’s the AIR CONDITIONING in these rides?! It’s a hot, smelly subway system, but it does get you there.

We checked out the Tower of London for our first sight. The Yeoman tour was BRILLIANT. He shared the details of executions, had lots of funny jokes, and made history come alive. We saw the crown jewels of the monarchy, which were some serious bling. Diamonds as big as your fist. Gold wine bowls you could swim in. AMAZING.

Next we went to Westminster, saw Big Ben, and then Westminster Abbey. It was a literal who’s-who of dead British people. I really wish I had taken more history lessons. My wife was kicking my ass explaining the Monarchy’s convoluted history. She watched a marathon of “The Tudors” and suddenly she’s the expert. I went out of my way to see four people’s markers. Shakespeare, who isn’t buried there, Winston Churchhill, Charles Darwin (His middle name is Robert. Who knew?) and Sir Isaac Newton. Looking at Sir Isaac Newton’s elaborate marker, and the simple floor adornment for Darwin was really important for me. This is why I’m a huge geek, I know.

We hit the abbey right as it was closing up, which was great timing because afterwards we needed to go back to the hostel to meet my parents! Reunion! They were waiting outside in a garden. We showed them all the art my wife had made for gifts as we chatted about the family for a while. Really nice time to see them again.

We went out to an English pub for dinner. Parent’s treat. I had a bitter British Ale in a pub. I’ve got a few wonderful stories to share about my parent’s latest trip to Africa. After that, we settled up and got back to the hostel for the night.

 This morning we headed to get tickets at Liester’s Square. We were harassed by a homeless crazy person who was also quite possible a heroin addict. He saw us and started yelling “YANKEE 2-0-2!”, whatever that means. We walked a block, realized we needed to turn around after consulting our maps, and ran into him again as he walked up and slapped my mother’s bag. He yelled at us again with his jibberish, and we went the other direction. What’s HIS deal?

We got the tickets for Momma Mia, the ABBA musical in the nicest theater in the area. My wife’s birthday gift from the folks. WOW. I really wanted to see Spam-a-lot, a musical adaptation of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, because I’m a HUGE geek. Wife got her pick. There is always tomorrow if we must.

From there, we got VERY lost in Hyde park. We set out to see a statue of Peter Pan, and a Diana memorial fountain. We didn’t find EITHER of the things because the maps were really a bit off. We did see the outside garden of Kensington Palace, which was really nice! My parents were going around identifying plants like I remember from all our other vacations.

We got to Harrod’s. It’s a gigantic luxury store. I’ve been to huge shopping places in Canada and the US, but this was ULTRA-Luxury shopping. We saw a chair made from an airplane ejection seat for almost $40,000 dollars. My father almost knocked an $18,000 dollar Wolly Mammoth tusk of a table trying to read the price tag. The Hummer Electric (?) Golf Cart that could go 30 miles per hour and was street legal took the cake for the most excessive in my opinion.

After trying not to break anything in Harrod’s, we went back to the hostel. We had a quick snack to recharge. I drank a Czech ORIGINAL Budweiser, which I had no idea about. Seems the Czech’s had a beer called Busweiser before the Americans started using that name, and eventually that caused problems for the American brewer since they couldn’t distribute around Europe. It’s like an Irish guy trying to start a pub called “McDonald’s” in the States.

We’ll go out to the theater tonight, and have plans for tomorrow. I’m trying to work out a compromise after canceling plans with a friend outside the city. We’re having a ton of fun with the folks even with the change in plans, and I hope to run into my friends either in the city, or when they visit Korea in the future. Apologies for the cancellation!

Anyway, traveling with the folks is always wonderful, and we’re really enjoying outselves. We’ll be flying out in two days time, and they’ll be taking a house boat through a series of locks and rivers to Stratford-of-Avon.

I’m hoping for a crazy peron free trip back to Leister Square this evening for the play. Who knows what tomorrow will bring as we tour London some more?

We’ve arrived in London safe and mostly sound. Our flight from Incheon to Hong Kong was uneventful. The airport in Hong Kong seemed more like a strip mall than an airport. We were dumped into the terminal and had to go through the security screenings a second time. We got in line behind some lost Chinese tourists that were getting shouted at by their guide. We got through the line and made it to our gate with 20 minutes to spare.

The thing that sucks about flying out from Honh Kong to go to Europe is that all the time headed south to get there is doubled back into the flighting leaving. We spent 15 or more hours on the plane. This was just hellish and awful.

My seat was supposed to be on the exit aisle so I could get the most leg room. When I sat down, I had the row to myself. There was a sound of an arguement going down the aisle as I waited for takeoff. The person arguing was my neighbor in the next seat. He had bought four tickets, but only got three seats because his 2 year old daughter was supposed to be held during takeoff and landing. They wanted my seat. I didn’t budge, but I could see how this was going to be a problem already.

I had to sit next to this guy. His family was dressed in Muslim clothing. His wife and the child’s nanny had headscarves and whatnot. The man had a pungent body odor that almost made me gag. How was I going to be able to sit next to this man when he was so strongly scented? My wife was a few rows behind, scoping out the action.

When the family requested to sit all together, the stewart tried to rearrange seats on the plane to work in a seat for the child. First, he found a pair of seats further up the cabin he could split between the four of them. That way, the child could have a seat, and the nanny, with the couple sitting elsewhere. The man INSISTED his wife was unable to sit by herself. He demanded to sit next to his wife, but didn’t care about sitting near the child at all. Hmmm, I wonder why that would be?

Not soon after the man and wife left, another couple made a request for my seat. They said the woman had a leg problem that required the leg room. Would I be willing to switch with her, away from the baby? I told them I’d switch if her husband gave up his seat too, allowing me to sit next to my wife in their old space. When the man found out they’d be sitting next to a baby, they declined. Suddenly that leg was feeling better?

Eventually, the man behind me, who had two seats next to himself, gave up his seat. This let the baby and nanny have three seats, and that man moved to the end of my row. Now it was me, two spaces, a man. Behind me was the nanny, baby, a seat, and a random man. Because I had a free seat next to me, they let my wife move next to me! Yay!

When the baby awoke, she started screaming. During take off she would yell. Then, during the flight she became a true terror. The man sitting next to the nanny and girl was hit by the girl. She would yell in his ear. He quickly moved, which let the Muslim couple move back behind us. Now they were all seated together.

The family’s funk, as a whole, was really overpowering. When they would leave to use the restroom, people afterwards would come out gagging. The stewartess would run in with the air freshener as if she was about to jump on a live grenade. The nanny changed the baby in the toilet area once and made such a mess that when she opened to door, dirty tissues tumbled out all over the floor of the plane. She didn’t bother to pick them up.

For the entire fifteen hour plus flight, the girl was quiet for perhaps four hours total. She said only four words. “DA-DEEE, MOMEEE, MEE MEEE, and DEEE DEEE.” The parents of the child never, EVER reacted to what the child did. If the girl was asking for “Dadeee” he just ignored her. It was entirely the nanny’s responsibilty to do EVERYTHING. Eventually the nanny took to sitting on the girl when she tried pulling our hair and yelling in our ears. No one in a three row radius was safe from their funk, or the noise of the baby. I don’t know if the nanny knew English, but I heard the chant “Shut up, shut up, shut up!” a few times.

My wife actually got a severe headache and vomited because of the smell of the group behind us. She’s never been airsick before. It was really, really foul. The only close competition was the bad English sausage I had for breakfast at the end of the flight. Ewwww.

We arrived in Heathrow and took the LONG walk to Immigration. There was a short line, and an easy card to fill out. The interview process was a bit humiliating though. They split me and my wife up. The man that interviewed me asked the standard sorts of “Where you headed? When you leaving?” sorts of questions.

The man that interviewed my wife, however, was a total snob. “Where are you from? Oh, Korea? What do you do there? Oh, your an English teacher? Really? What are you in England for? Vacation? NO, you should say HOLIDAY. HOLIDAY. You are here on a HOLIDAY.” What the hell?

My wife didn’t know the address, exactly, of some friends we are planning to visit. He was giving her a hard time, but I walked over to try to clarify. The man expressed shock that I was married, but had let my wife try to answer the questions by myself. He asked me my nationality. Then he asked me why I wasn’t answering the questions for someone in my party. The immigration officers had SPLIT US UP in line, and MADE us walk to different interviewers. What? Why WOULD I be allowed to talk for her? YOU made the system man.

Anyway, after a few more grammar and personal questions, she got into the country. I think it was a little racial profiling, as ALL the Asian people took five times longer to interview compared to any European. As I was leaving, the smelly man came up to me and said I had dropped 2000 won on the ground. The interviewers were completely shocked at the man’s honesty. A woman working there actually remarked, ” You are so lucky. 1 in a 1000 chance that. I’ve NEVER seen anyone give money back to someone before.” Wow. Is that the kind of place I landed?

We got on the tube, then got to our hostel with NO PROBLEMS. However, the booking process was of course complicated. I wasn’t supposed to be paying anything. My DAD had made arrangements and set up the room. He was arriving tomorrow, so we wanted to rest the night after our 20 hour flight and sort out payment the next day. No dice. Even though we prepaid a deposit on the reservation and had everything, they wanted the money upfront. We used the deposit to pay for the room, but didn’t pay for the rest of the nights. They now want us to move things out of the room, wait for my parents to arrive, them move everything BACK into the room when they pay for the day today. No, leaving our stuff outside the room is totally okay, but keeping it a room we have reserved but haven’t paid for is impossible. So stupid.

Anyway, we got a bottle of water from the “closed” bar, then headed up to our room. I’ve slept in bigger closets. Four bunk beds stacked in a tiny room. The shower barely worked. The beds were clean, and the room was private and quiet. Other than that, it’s the most expensive hostel we’ve ever stayed. It is in London, and not far from a tube, so it’s got it’s points I suppose.

I’m using their computer. It’s stamped down with lots of restrictions, is Windows only, doesn’t let you install or do anything, and is slow. All this for triple the price of a Korean computer with Internet access! Wow! What a deal!

I slept for a total of maybe one hour in fits and spurts the entire evening. My stomach was still under the blitz from the English sausage. I took some herbal medicine my wife had brought. Lovely, it seems to be doing the work. We’re waiting for the breakfast service. Then we get to haul out our gear, leave it near an OPEN WINDOW all locked up (sigh) and do some sightseeing for the day. We hope to see the Tower of London, then meet up with the parents sometime to get dinner and exchange travel war stories.

It’s off with a bang.

It’s a few hours before I go to sleep. We are getting ready to leave for our early morning flight to London.  I’m hanging around the apartment with a freshly shaved and washed Yoshi. This morning we got up and packed our bags for the final time before our trip. Even though the flight any everything else is quickly approaching, I’m pretty calm.

After realizing I still was bringing too many pairs of pants and removing the ones that would have taken the longest to dry, I ended up with more space than I expected. I’m still packed solid, but I’m not bursting seams anymore. I made sure our electronics were packed, our cords were with us, and that we had a few copies of our important documents. Even after putting all my gear on it’s not even close to being as heavy as my last trip to Europe. I think the new bags are going to work out well.

My wife was trying to get all the laundry done today. She wanted to do a wardrobe “reset”, washing all our summer clothes one last time before putting them away for the rest of the year. That way when we got back we wouldn’t have had to do more laundry. I applaud her effort, but in typical Korean fashion this all came down to the wire. The weather, up until yesterday, had not been participating in her little plan. We had two loads of laundry and only a few hours of sun to work with. Everything is “mostly dry”.

While the laundry dried, we got everything else ready. She’s been working on hand made gifts for my family. Right now she’s off trying to get some art done for my brother before the bead store closes.

My brother in law is supposed to arrive soon. He’s going to be hanging out in our apartment for the month we are away. He is looking for work, and is going to use our apartment as a place to study for raising his English skills for his resume. I set up a login account for him on my machine, so he can get used to using Linux, or keep using Windows XP that I set up virtualized. Either way, when he’s done with the computer, there will be no mess to clean up, just an account to delete. He won’t go messing up anything I can’t undo I hope.

He’s also going to be watching Yoshi for us while we are away. We’ve got all his food and everything ready. Yoshi’s a pretty low maintenance sort of dog anyway. The occasional walk and some attention is all he needs.

The rough plan, as of now, is that we will go to Incheon airport and catch a flight to Hong Kong. From Hong Kong, we go to London, arrive in the evening, and head to our booked hostel. My parents arrive the next day. We will do touristy things, then meet up with them no later than dinner. We’ll spend September 12th with some friends in Southampton, England.

After that reunion, we’ll take a quick jet to the Czech Republic. From there, we return to Prague. After showing my wife where I had fun on the trip last time, we’ll then head to Vienna, Austria. This is basically a travel hub for our Eurorail passes, so we’ll need to visit there no matter what. From there, we go to Italy. We hope to see, at the minimum, Venice, Florence, Rome, and possibly Pompeii. Then, we head north, and, time allowing, go to Switzerland. If not, we’ll head to Paris, France. We have lots of days on our Eurorail pass, so covering ground won’t be a problem at all. No matter what we do, we still have to end up in Paris, as we have a flight leaving there. From Paris, it’s back to Hong Kong with a nice long layover, then Korea again.

My wife and I usually do alright traveling. Our longest trip together so far was last year’s trip to the United States to meet my family. We did fine with tours in China, and our backpacking trip to Cambodia too. I just want to get going already!

I went to get my haircut today after work. It’s because I am traveling. I had some long hair going on for a while now, and I badly needed a trim. I went to the salon I had been to with my wife previously. Since she wasn’t there to help me with the cut, I told them, “Cut my hair.”  I called her so she could give them the details for me. I don’t really care about my hair looks, as long as I don’t end up bald.  She’s got all these things she thinks are important about length that I can’t articulate correctly to a hair dresser. I just leave it to her.

This time, I had my hair cut in total silence. The woman didn’t try any smalltalk. That’s fine with me. I’m used to the “stare into the mirror as they cut your hair” aspect of the experience, but the small talk in Korean isn’t usually my strong suit.

After the cut, I got passed off to this young man so that he could shampoo and dry my hair. This is the first time the assistant to the stylist was a man. He chatted and asked me where I was from. He guessed Canada. I told him I was from the States, and he started asking me about baseball in English. Baseball is one of the top “Most Boring Topics that Exist” subjects of small talk ever. He said he really loved baseball. I was willing to indulge his chance for small talk since he was attempting to speak to me in English.

I told him I preferred Korean National Soccer games. He was very surprised. I explained I was here during the 2001 World Cup, and that I liked watching Korean and English soccer on television. He was surprised. “Americans like Baseball, Football, Basketball, and sometimes Hockey. You like soccer?”

“Yes, I do, I’ve been a fan of Korean soccer since the World Cup,” I answered.

He said that Koreans like the National Soccer Team, but don’t really follow the K-League games. I agreed, and said that Korean baseball is much more closely followed than Korean soccer leagues.

“Oh, you know that? Wow, you are much more like a Korean than an American you know? Americans don’t follow soccer, and they like to watch Baseball.”

He then asked me as he finished drying my hair, “So, when you called that person on the phone, was that your girlfriend?”

“No, it was my wife. I’ve been here a long time, remember?”

He was surprised. He walked up to the counter with me. I asked how much everything cost and they told me I spoke good Korean. (Sigh). I humbly disagreed with the false modesty I’ve copied from far too many shy Koreans and left.

So, as Korean Beat translated, and the Korean media have reported this week, foreign teachers like myself in Korea are pot smoking, woman seducing, diploma forgers that will stop at NOTHING to teach kindergarten students while high. This is PRIME TIME NEWS, swiping forum blog posts and using “ex-girlfriends” confessions as “journalism”. Extra kudos for trying to link Foreigners higher salaries compared to an average Korean office worker as somehow explaining our “bad behavior”. Wow, it’s almost like they are trying to find reasons to be jealous or to bring about discrimination from people that would otherwise not care! Incredible.

We’ve got such an awful reputation! Boo hoo!

Anyway, with the recent set of high profile busts of Korean doctors with fake degrees in major Korean universities and other high prominent careers, it was inevitable that there would be a round of diploma stings on academies. Right now in Daejeon, there is a paper from the Ministry of Education being sent around to schools to prove demanding that foreigners can provide their documentation. Yeah, the Immigration Office should already HAVE all this information since they let us into the country, but the Ministry of Education wants it again.

I’m not technically required to show my diploma to teach anymore. I don’t have the E-2 visa, where this paper is a requirement to get into the country. My director needed to collect several other pieces of information from me to make the “Diploma people” happy. My foreigner card, my passport, and any other things that show I’m who I say I am, and that I got my education from where I actually claimed. She had to send them a spare copy of my diploma just in case, as well as the rest of the information so that I could continue to teach.My foreign coworker had to provide the same information. I don’t know if the Koreans I worked with were pressed to provide any proof that they studied English, or anything at all actually.

Anyone forging a degree to work at an academy is just…really lame. Seriously. This kind of job isn’t that good… no matter what the Korean media might tell you about our elaborate drug use, sex parties, and whatever mischief we might be causing in the country. I’m sure we’re the root of evil.

Of course, this set of “busts” has to happen right as I’m leaving of the country for the next few weeks. I can only imagine what the customs and immigration people will think when I return to the country after my vacation.

“Hmm, you were teaching in a school, but disappear with your Korean wife (Who you probably seduced and forced to take DRUGS!) right as we start checking for fake diplomas. You run off to England, though you claim to be American? Could it be that you went there to avoid detection, and to score another fake diploma! CHECK HIS BAG! He surely has THE MARIJUANA and THE ILLEGAL DRUGS! ” (Cue the dramatic music). Before my coworkers form any conspiracy theories, my degree is legitimate, I’ve planned the vacation for months, and I’m planning to return with the same visa with no drugs whatsoever… Really. I’m not even going anywhere NEAR Amsterdam this time on my trip.

My new students were quick to accuse me of being a shady foreigner anyway. I made a spelling mistake when writing something on the board. The students all asked me, “You are American right? You aren’t from Germany or something trying to teach us English when you don’t really know it, right?”

Somehow I had avoided detection for a year, but had revealed myself with a slip of my hand on the board in front of my students. Apparently I’m teaching Sherlock freaking Holmes, and he cracked the code of my elaborate deception! Quickly! I must flee the country!

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those pesky kids!

This is the first series of classes where I’ve finished teaching them for the week and will not have a class until after my vacation. I started telling students when I gave them homework, “I won’t see you until next month.”

Of course, they were surprised. Korean children’s worlds are built on a routine, and announcing they’d have to interact with someone new sent several of them into a tizzy. I assured them I would be returning from vacation in a month.

“Why so long? Why a WHOLE MONTH? It’s too long!”

Most of my students have no concept of how far away things are from each other. When they tell me they went somewhere far away, it’s usually accessible by car in a few hours. I had several childhood road trips that imparted on me a deep sense of how “huge” the United States was.

Koreans aren’t usually that lucky. Most of my students hope to go abroad, but the younger students probably have never been on a plane. I personally didn’t go on a plane until I was in third grade. The farthest Korean territory is only an hour or so away by plane. Grown adults on honeymoons were cheering as the plane took off when I went there. Unless you go abroad for business, the “roadtrip” option isn’t going to get you far due to the neighbors up “North” so to speak.

I told them I would be seeing several countries on my trip, so I needed time in each place to see everything. They seemed to think I could squeeze in the “Country of Europe” in a weekend.Did I mention they don’t study geography until High School, if ever?

After class, I told my coworker that the students were annoyed I was leaving for an entire month to “just see Europe”. He told me I had gone about explaining it in the wrong terms. Vacations? They don’t even understand the concept of traveling for pleasure. If they go on a “vacation”, it’s squeezed in the two days our school lets them have free time when their parents aren’t both working.

“Next time you tell them, just explain you’ll be studying. Tell them you have to go study in Europe during your vacation. They’ll completely understand that.”

I mean, I will be studying. I “get my culture on” when traveling. Art museums, historical sites, tours, lots of cultural learning going on. All of it makes me a better teacher, and a better person too. The amount of stuff I can teach from personal experience from simply having gone somewhere greatly enhances my classes. “Well, when I was there…” is a way to spark some interest in a topic.

During my last week before vacation, I have to prepare my students for their new lessons. Their new term starts this week, so all the fun of new books, new schedules, new students, and new classrooms just as I’m preparing to leave for a month.Today is my longest day. I’ve got no breaks, and I teach six hours straight through. This will probably be the easiest class I’ll have too, because a lot of time is wasted getting the right students in classes, distributing books, and going over the new materials for each level.

While my classes yesterday weren’t very different, with mostly entire blocks of students moving up levels together with a few new students, my classes today were sometimes completely new or greatly expanded. A lot of the “good kids” went up a few levels to join my classes in some cases. They are welcome.

I only had one set of classes with students that were a little strange. The students in my first class showed up wearing matching shirts. It’s their school uniform. They ran around the school saying “Samdungi!” which means “Twin!” over and over again. It’s funny the first time, but twenty times later it tends to grate on the nerves. “Yeah, I get it.”

Later, I taught some students I’ve had in class for a year straight. Instead of using the book I had recommended, they got bumped up significantly and will start learning TOEFL iBT. Instead of intensive TOEFL, I’m only responsible for teaching them a portion of the test, and the one I’m best at. I’ve got to whip a bunch of elementary school students into lean and mean speaking machines.

Today, I went through what would be expected of them during the TOEFL iBT test. “You’ll be given a Independent speaking question. You’ll have 15 seconds to read and organize an answer. You’ll have to speak for 45 seconds, answering the topic completely with clear organization and grammar with as few pauses as possible. This is the EASIEST of the tests.”

Their jaws just sort of dropped into their laps and stayed their for the rest of class. The students that had been bumped up a few levels were looking at me like I was a mad man.

Later, while I was waiting for a student to arrive, I watched the students doing their computerized learning. The students were using a program that played audio. They then had to type what they were listening to in English. The program would check their results. Occasionally it would offer hints, like the length of the word.

Everything the student did, from the time it took to complete the test, the mistakes made, the difficulty of the words, the number of times the students listened, was recorded. Then, when the students completed their tests, it was sent to a website that tracks the information. From there, they could see, in real time, how they compared to every student in the entire program. Did they do better than most students? Did most of the other students get this question correct? What percentage missed it? How long did it take the rest of the students to complete this section? Every aspect of the student’s progress and performance could be compared to his peers.

There were multiple levels of materials, and students in different classes might be answering multiple choice questions, translating into Korean, Translating into English, doing dictation, or any other number of competitive testing exercises. Everyone in the computer lab was dead silence trying to do the testing as quickly as possible. There was intense concentration on the faces of students as they listened to something the third or fourth time to catch a spelling mistake. I just sat back and watched as they worked.

This sort of program for learning is something like what I would have done if I had gone into a career that I studied in college, then had ended up using that skill in Korean education somehow. I was impressed that everything worked so smoothly. The data collection, streaming, and organization was impressive. The students don’t like it, because they have to do it at home. The teachers just view it as another tool to sharpen the children’s skills. I’m probably the only person that has appreciation for the work that went into making such a program.

I don’t have to worry about this long schedule for another month, but considering the classes and the mostly awesome students, it wasn’t that bad.