::A Geek in Korea::

Let me tell you right now, this story ends anti-climatically. I wish this story would end with a raid on some fortified position. Someone with a telephone in one hand, gun pressed to the head of a hostage, shouting demands until the SWAT team kicks down the door and there is some glorious gunfight that will be discussed on the International News as that “Great Tragedy” or “Something we hope is never repeated”.

Alas, this is not that kind of story. This story ends more with a whimper than a gunfight. But it’s still a story with industrial spying, so it’s not all dull. Try to keep your interest as I retell it.

So, a few months ago, our revolving weekly “New Secretary” routine ended. I was introduced to a secretary one week, and the next week, the SAME woman was at the job. Not only that, she stayed the next week as well. After setting an endurance record by lasting at our school for a few weeks, the new secretary had a new assistant that became the “Revolving secretary that quit every other week”.

Having a permanent secretary was decent enough, except she wasn’t exactly top quality. She made frequent mistakes on the vocabulary tests, and couldn’t speak any English. She didn’t do anything to endear herself to any of the teachers either. She lasted about six months on the job, and I don’t remember having a single conversation other than work.

I wasn’t surprised to see her gone, replaced by a new secretary. This woman could speak English, and was much better at socializing and the other duties of the job. New secretary, moving on.

Dear reader, if you were wondering where the promised industrial espionage starts, I will now deliver. Students files and records are the domain of the secretary. They have their own computer that does all the work of tracking who the students are, who owe money, who has quit, and how to contact everyone.

For every student, the file contains contact information. Anyone that had access to the computers could have made a copy of those files. For example, a disgruntled employee that ended up working for a new school might have a reason for holding onto those kinds of files.

I’ve got a relative that used to attend my school. They had quit a few months ago when I was negotiating my contract. They were cold called by the ex-secretary. She asked if they remembered her, and if they wanted to change schools. She could get them into a different school nearby if they wanted since she now worked there.

Hmmmm. That’s awfully coincidental.

So, my relatives give us the word about how this woman had called them and what she had been up to asking. Our relative wasn’t very happy that the security on documents that had their information had been stolen by an ex-employee. The relative suggested we alert the director as soon as possible about this privacy problem before we got a slew of angry mothers calling us.

I did just that. It seems my director was aware that the secretary had ample access to the information before she quit, but had no idea that she was in contact with old students. My director called around and found out that not only had old students been called, but implied to me that current students were also getting called as well.

Stealing students or teachers is very frowned upon in the industry. Things are so intensely competitive people will go to great lengths to find new potential students. I’ve heard of schools calling people at random from yearbooks to see if students have younger siblings that would be looking for a discount to study at a school. When I was in contract negotiations with other schools, they said I wasn’t allowed to “bring” students with me, because if word got out that people were switching schools, all the other schools in the neighborhood would be unhappy.

So, while I don’t know if it was an actual crime, it’s certainly not something which people approve of doing. There have been no arrests, no hostages, or inadvisable tragedies yet. But one can hope.

Did you know, the number one way to lose the concentration of a classroom of children would be do exhibit any bodily function best reserved for a bathroom? For example, anyone with gas should never, ever be a teacher. Letting one loose in the classroom would cause such a problem you might as well forget ever trying to ever be in the same room with the children again. Children never forget something like that, even when they soil the air with their foul stenches daily.

This is just a theory, as I can’t say that I stand in front of class and “banggu!” as the students might say. That isn’t to say that I haven’t taught while in the middle of a stomach problem from time to time, (See the entire year from 2003 to 2004, for example) but you’ve got avoid putting yourself in that situation. Make time for a stop to the bathroom between classes. Get it done somehow. Be stealthy. Worse comes to worse, step outside. Or blame it on a child you don’t like.

[spoiler]

You never realized it before, but those teachers that would duck into the hallway from time to time to “talk to the principal” were TOTALLY outside farting up a storm.

[/spoiler]

Today, however, had me in a social situation where I had to visit someone’s home. Same rules apply in a guest’s house as in a classroom. As long as someone is in the room with you, you can’t go sneaking one off. It’s just impolite and gross. Unless you are elderly, then you are free to let them fly.

I am not an elderly Korean man, thus, for the entire social engagement I was wiggling, moving my stomach, and generally avoiding any moves that would have sent my cheeks flying. My wife has named me “The Farting General” for a reason. While I might be more liberated at home, I’m not one to subject strangers to such bodily functions. I had to sit, knowing full well any mistake would have led to total embarrassment.

(And yet, I WILL write about this on a website. Go figure.)

Anyway, when my visit was over, and the door slammed shut behind me, I let something epic escape. The stairwell echoed. Warning sirens should have gone off. Evacuations should have commenced for a biological attack. It’s something so loud and so sudden it was startling.

I’m just lucky the people in the apartment didn’t open to door to check to see if a bomb went off in the hallway.